amo, love, amore

for my creativity class, i am supposed to write a "long, long list" of things i love. the things i list can be anything on any level. just a list.

so i started my list the other day. but then i began to question this idea of "love". not the existence of love, but in looking at what is on my list, i am not sure if i really love them or just like them or think they are interesting for some random reason.

the OED says: n. an intense feeling of deep affection or fondness for a person or thing; great liking (followed by many other definition variations, of course). ok, so i feel a bit better now since in this definition i do love the cornflower blue Crayola crayon as i had listed it on my page (it has a really waxy feeling to it, and i like how the color is a bit transparent when you put it on drawing paper).

i also can love dry champagne, hugs, and diligence which are also on my list. i have a fondness for these things, as the definition says i should. but i still can't get over the "intense feeling" idea because this takes me to a stepped-up level that i think is difficult for me to grasp.

maybe... i don't love anything? i don't think i have loved "to the fullest" in my life; there is always a part of me questioning and making sure that "i love" is a phrase used sparingly. maybe it is so i can waffle in my feelings; maybe it is because i am not exactly sure what it is. it is still a very vague concept for me, even after saying that i love things, places, actions, people.

who reads these things?

i have come to think of personal blogs as diaries exposed to the populous. how odd - isn't this the type of writing we do in journals and notebooks that we hide under our beds? who has time to read a friend's blog? who really cares to?

for me (yes, i get to be egotistical - it is my blog, you know) this is all a way to get my creative side exercising again. work and school and being too busy to relax are taking away from the desire to reach across my desk to the box of colored pencils and start drawing. so when i'm at my computer - any computer with Internet access, really - i can jump on here and write something.

many blogs have themes. i don't have one for this writing just yet. maybe it's "just Julie" as i like to say. me being me. on paper... well, computer anyway.

car for sale (or disposal)

i bought my 1998 Accord at the end of college - new, black, clean - in expectation that it would last for 20 years. i am not sure how it happened, but over 10 years have gone by now, and the idea of having it another 10 years is far from reality. how is it that my boyfriend's 1977 VW bus is in better shape?

i was in an accident just over a year ago. i don't quite remember it because in a fraction of a second, i was stopping at a red light and then i was staring at my car hood crumpled in front of me. the car i hit drove away (likely driving without insurance or license or something). i was just starting back to school, and i think i just was spacing on all the work i had to do and changes i was making.

but the insurance reviewer decided it was not worth totalling it. bizarre, because if you had seen this thing, anyone would have been impressed by the insane mess of metal once called the front of my car. it was fixed. then i had to bring it back to the shop because they had not reconnected the transmission correctly. then i had to buy a new battery because, apparently in the accident it had cracked (why the shop did not see this, i do not know), and battery goop was leaking out. then it ran fine for a while (though i really don't drive it much at all). then the engine light came on. and now i need a new transmission.

coincidence? yes, according to the shop and the dealership and my insurance. quite an interesting coincidence, don't you think?

so i decided it's time to get rid of it. Portland is so bike- and transit-friendly that i rarely drive. there is a Zip Car down the street if i decide to sign up for it. insurance costs more than the car is worth to me now.

i'm heading to the Honda dealership this afternoon. there was a recall on something with the ignition (too bad not the transmission!) that will be fixed for free, and i'll speak with a guy in the sales department too.

it's a bit weird that, in the midst of my studying sustainable business, that i'm writing about a car. an object. one that is contributing to global warming and pollution. but it's what i'm stuck dealing with on my "free" day. joys.

writing? what? more?

yes, it's true... i'm starting a blog. i'm not sure in what direction it will go (or i will take it), but the idea of sharing my thoughts and questions and concerns with "the world" final came to fruition today. i'll see how it goes and what it brings me. and what i can contribute to the blogging world.

work and school and trying to turn my brain off to go to sleep are the day-to-day things right now. hopefully this blog will be somewhat creative, somewhat factual, somewhat random - and someone else can try to figure out what posts land in what category.

"you can get more creative by not being clear" (Gifford Pinchot III) in Creativity & Right Livelihood class tonight. hmm... i'll think about tonight.